“Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.”  Philippians 4:4-5 (NIV)

Somewhere over the course of history one of our societal norms became asking people “how are you doing?” as a greeting.  You walk into a grocery store/restaurant or make a phone call to a customer service area and you will quickly hear “how are you?” Unfortunately, most of the time the question isn’t asked with genuine concern. It’s asked out of habit.

One incident that was extremely upsetting to me was an encounter I had with a friend at the grocery store.  She saw me, her face lit up and she made a beeline to me.

“Hey girl, how are you doing?  How’s your summer been?”

And just like that she was gone.  I thought she was making a beeline to me.  Apparently, she was after the produce that was behind me.  There I was, left feeling like I had just been shot in the gut, hemorrhaging in the produce department.

“She was at my sons funeral in May.  It’s only July, did she really ask me how my summer has been?”

In my grief, I had lost that sensor to just ignore the question. Our society calls it a polite courtesy. I feel it’s pretentious.  Why ask a question if you don’t want to know the answer?  We have a world of hurting people around us.  Yet, I watch people walk by one another with such shallowness.  One will say “hi, how are you?” the other will respond “I’m fine” and they keep on moving.

Why?? Why ask a question – instead why not make a declarative statement.  “Hi, it’s good to see you” and keep on walking.  You didn’t ask the person anything.  There’s nothing shallow or pretentious about making a statement.  But when you ask that question what are you expecting the person to say?  Especially when you know they’ve just experienced a great loss. You’re putting that person in the position to lie.

The insensitivity of the way that question was often asked made me want to completely retreat from the outside world. Prior to Jamie’s death, I had been guilty of doing the same thing to people myself.  I would walk by them in a grocery store or the church and politely smile and say “Hi, how are you?”; all the while knowing that something hard was going on in their life.  Yet not sure of how to say anything or even if I should say anything.  I found myself asking the Lord for forgiveness of my own insensitivity.

In Philippians 4:4-5, we are instructed to “let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near”.

When I see someone out in the grocery store or church and I know they are in a hard season of life, I will walk over to them, ask them if I can give them a hug. I usually say something like “it’s so good to see you out” or “I’m praying for you.”  I realize the physical and mental energy it took for them to be out.  I try to be kind.  I never ask someone how they are doing unless I’m able to take the time to have the conversation with them and truly hear their heart.

Gentleness is the quality of being kind and careful.  Make the effort to be careful in your greetings.  Don’t be quick to throw out idol words.

No matter how busy we are, let us all pursue being kind and careful with the way we walk past the broken in our society.

My Hope Endures,

Laura Holmes

Director, Ephraim Ministries

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13 (NIV)

Earlier this month we celebrated the start of a new year and a new decade.  One thing I always loved about a new year was getting organized.  I developed a habit many years ago of using the down time from Christmas to New Year’s to sit down with my calendar and plan out my year.  I would put in the birthday/anniversary dates of family and friends.  Church activities and major things coming up in that year with our family.  Particularly in the lives of our children.  Anxiously awaiting all the wonderful things that year would bring.

Eleven years ago when our son died, I felt like the calendar became an enemy of mine.  What at one time documented so much hope, now only held sorrow. A canvas I would have filled with their activities. Yet now the silence overwhelmed me and paralyzed me with fear.  It was a painful reminder of 365 days of emptiness ahead of me.

Paul writes in Philippians 3:13-14 “forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

When we lose a loved one, moving forward in life seems an insurmountable task. Fear tells us that if we move forward, we are letting them go. That we will forget them.  There’s this feeling of guilt that we have let them down by continuing to live. Fear says there’s no way you can live without them.

But fear is a liar.

There were many days of overwhelming sadness and years of sleepless nights.  There were numerous occasions where I felt the pain would certainly kill me. But by the grace of God it didn’t.

I made a conscious decision to continue to press on towards Christ.  In pressing on I had to let go of the fear that kept me paralyzed.  I had to surrender it under the powerful blood of Jesus Christ.

I also had to let go of my plans that once filled the calendar and surrender my future days to His plans.

Pressing on means that we are picking up our cross daily. Pressing on means lifting the heaviness of the heartache we bare to Jesus.  We don’t forget our loved one. They are never more than a thought away. But the heaviness of our load lessens in time. If we keep our eyes on Jesus and not the pain and continue to serve wherever He leads.

During this most recent holiday season, I purchased my new calendar for 2020.  I sat down and started doing what I did so many years ago.  Writing in dates of birthdays and events coming up.  Church and work commitments.  In doing that, I found myself once again amazed at how God hears our prayers and restores.  My calendar is quite full of life these days. Down time happens when I intentionally put it on the calendar all.  My days have become full of life simply because I trusted God during those empty days.

If you are facing a season of loss, I want to encourage you to press on toward Jesus.  Trust that in Him to bring life into those empty days.  Letting go of the fear is not letting go of your loved one.

Father, remind us that until you call us home we are here to reach others for the Kingdom.  The only way we can do that is my pressing on heavenward into Christ.  Help us not be paralyzed by our fear. But to be open to go where you call us.

For His Glory,

Laura Holmes

Director, Ephraim Ministries