“They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.” Revelation 22:4 (ESV)

Last week, I had a little “meltdown” at my office. The thing that finally tipped me over the edge was insignificant.  There was something bigger working behind the scenes. . . the reality was I had been seeing Jamie’s face all day long. I kept seeing those big blue eyes and smile.  Jamie had grown to be rather tall, and he loved coming up beside me and putting his hand on my right shoulder and leaning in to talk to me (while commenting on how short I was).  I kept feeling his hand on my shoulder and I kept hearing him say “Mom” in my head.  It was more than I could bare bear.

What did I do?  I did the only thing that I know to do – I sat and had a little talk with God. I told him that this pain was just too much. That he needed to hold me a little closer because I was feeling the pain too intensely.   That there was absolutely no way I could stay on this earth like this.  I begged him to hold me and lead me through this.  I was quite miserable for a couple of hours and did not see any way of going on.  The pain was just as intense as it was that first day.  And then, I felt those arms wrap themselves around me.  The arms of my Savior.  He eased my pain and then took my hand and told me to get up, that I still had work to do.  He was still there to get me through it.

Shortly after Jamie’s death, I started a group for mothers’ who had lost a child and women who had lost their spouse.  Women came to my home to study the book “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn.  Our group would cover a chapter a week and related scriptures during our discussion.  This was thought-provoking and uplifting for us all.

The same week of my “meltdown”, our group had been talking about “What it will mean to see God?” Moses saw God, but not God’s face.  When Moses said to God, “show me your glory,” God responded, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you. . .But, he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” That is why when we are told in Revelation 22:4 that “we will see God’s face,” it should astound us. For this to happen, it would require that we undergo something radical between now and then.

To see God has many meanings – for me, I have never really thought about seeing His face.  What I long to see is His hands and His arms.  The hand that has guided me through some very dark places in my life.  The arms that have comforted, guided, and protected me when my heart was shattered. The arms I could always run safely to. The feeling of His presence around me is so overwhelming sometimes when He’s near, he fills me with such a peace, a joy that I can barely contain myself.  I can only imagine how awesome it will be to see the hands/arms of the man that has truly been holding me all my life!  To be in a real embrace with my Savior, this is what I long to see.

This Sunday, May 3rd, 2020 will be the 12th anniversary of Jamie’s Homegoing. I first wrote the above devotion in my journal twelve years ago shortly after his death. When the Lord spoke to me “get up, you have things to do.” I could not have imagined all the ways He would use this pain for. Pain that I wanted to die from.  There were days I didn’t feel like I could live the next twelve minutes, much less, twelve years.  Our feelings can overwhelm us at times.  We may “feel” like we cannot survive the tragedy that has been dealt us.   Feelings are a gift from God and a sign that we are made in His image.  Yet, we cannot live by our feelings. There is comfort in knowing that He will not turn you away because you weep over life’s heartaches.

Bowing boldly at His throne and sharing the heartbreak you are experiencing is crucial to your healing.  He will help you carry your pain and find purpose in it. And in doing so, we allow others to “see God” in us.

I am not my own, I’ve been carried by Him all my life.

My Hope Endures,

Laura Holmes

Director, Ephraim Ministries